As confirmations and statements continue to appear, with virtually no one substantially challenging any of it, it is with a heavy heart that we let go of the idea that this is a publicity stunt that no one would be able to pull off with more class than Type O Negative could… and did, in 2005.

While the first thing that should be said about Type O Negative is that they wrote countless amazing songs spanning several classic albums, it’s important to explain to the unfamiliar that Type O completely perfected and embodied deadpan metal humor well before Dethklok came along (with Nathan Explosion probably inspired, at least in part, by Steele himself). Yet they parodied themselves and the goth genre while somehow, magically, showing the utmost respect to both at all times. They were anything but a joke band.

Picking a song to share with you was hard. Everyone’s putting up the Black No. 1 video, and you should definitely check that out, but we wanted to use something a little less obvious. Christian Woman crossed our mind, but that’s in the same boat at Black No. 1. Black Sabbath (From The Satanic Perspective) was a candidate, but it’s (sort of) a cover, and it’s five full minutes before the really good shit kicks in. You should just get their Least Worst Of compilation if you’re new to Type O, and take it from there. In the meantime, I think this one is the most appropriate:

Also, you must, must, must check out this video of Peter on the Jerry Springer Show from 1995. We’ll never get enough of his entrance salute. And we’ll use it as our salute to his exit after contributing so much.

Photo by Aleksandar Zec

First published as an installment of our Christmas Songs Mixtape series in 2008, this mix focuses on a batch of tracks that are either altogether on the side of laughably stupid shredding (Spinal Tap) or face-meltingly metal (King Diamond). Whatever the case, these are some of the best and brightest metal renditions of Christmas favorites you’ll find.

Rawkit. And have a very metal Christmas while you’re at it.

These guys have always had a certain subtle air of self-mockery, but as any scholar of wit can tell you, you don’t necessarily have to be serious to be taken seriously; you just have to take yourself seriously. That’s why Type O Negative’s schtick works, and I hate to name this band in the same sentence, but even the lame-ass Darkness got this right.

A week or so ago, I started seeing ads right here on Antiquiet for a new Rammstein song called Pussy, apparently tied to some kind of weird “viral” campaign for some sort of swingers’ rights organization called LIFAD, or “Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da” (Love is there for everyone*). That was just the tip of the iceberg.

The video for Pussy is out, and it’s thoroughly, thoroughly X-Rated. We’ve never shied away from explicit content here before, but this is even more extreme than the uncensored trailers for actual pornos featuring stars we’ve interviewed. We’re just going to link to it.

Featuring scenes of the band actually fucking, the lyrics are basically a pamphlet of the only German words all Americans know: bratwurst, sauerkraut, blitzkreig, fahrvergnügen. And then a chorus in English: You’ve got a pussy. I have a dick. So what’s the problem!? Let’s do it, quick!

What is this, a Günther video? Unlike the band’s definitive late 90s releases, there’s no redeeming artistic value here. It’s gonzo porn, and surely an attempt to stage a cheap comeback on the back of a “viral” video.

It makes me regret ever taking the band seriously.

* Thanks to Passenger for the corrected translation.

That being said, welcome to the first installment of our Christmas Songs Mixtape series. We’ll be posting a new batch of songs every few days until the big X, each mix pulling from a different genre or style for your aural delight. 

This collection is, quite obviously, a heavy metal Christmas mixtape, focusing on a batch of tracks that are either altogether on the side of laughably stupid shredding (Spinal Tap) or face-meltingly metal (King Diamond). Whatever the case, these are some of the best and brightest metal renditions of Christmas favorites you’ll find.

I’m not going to give you the track by track review of what each song is saying, because true love and the way it is expressed in various artforms is best interpreted by each individual. I hope you’ll be able to follow the story. I will, though, tell you why each song has special meaning to me.

Prelude 12/21 is just so beautiful and touching. I would like Davey to touch me. He’s way too pretty for Jeffree Star.

If I Was Your Vampire is one of the best songs off the newest Manson album. Plus, I bite when I’m in love. Sometimes I make people bleed.

Cult actually reminds me of a very distressing time in my life. I was 15, had just changed schools because of a series of scandals involving a teacher, and I was looking for ways to get the pain of missing him out of my soul. I turned to music and dancing. I entered a talent show where I performed a solo dance routine to this song. I felt much better afterward.

You Lied ends up on this mix because I loved a boy once who loved Tool. He wasn’t very fond of this song. I later found out that Tool songs are all about anal fixation. That boy ended up being gay. He was lying to me.

Everybody Knows That You’re Insane is great. I have a soft-spot for boys who are damaged. This song makes me think of most of the boys I’ve dated. “You ought to know / why you feel so hollow / ’cause you are.”

Fun With Knives brings me back to when I was 17. I loved a boy who loved this song. I took it as a signal that he wanted to have fun with knives. I’m still waiting for him to die for me. I’ll die for you.

Bloody Kisses reminds me of a particular damaged boy. He killed himself. “Both life & love could not be saved / She took them both to the grave”

This Love is my favorite Pantera love song. I grew up listening to Pantera.

Bye Bye, Beautiful is usually how the love story ends. *tear* but aside from that, Nightwish is amazing.

1. AFI / Prelude 12/21
2. Marilyn Manson / If I Was Your Vampire
3. Skinny Puppy / Cult
4. Tool / You Lied
5. Queens Of The Stone Age / Everybody Knows That You’re Insane
6. Velvet Acid Christ / Fun With Knives
7. Type O Negative / Bloody Kisses
8. Pantera / This Love (Live)
9. Nightwish / Bye, Bye, Beautiful