Putting Record Profits To Good Use

Got a shitload of money from ass-raping the American public, and you don’t know what to do with it all? Why not buy the next leader of the free world!

Tonight, in the wretched cesspool of manicured consumerism known as Orange County, California, Barack Obama and John McCain will share the stage for the very first time. It’s not an outright debate, but mega-church leader Pastor Rick Warren will ask the two presidential candidates about their stances on topics such as the Constitution, poverty, HIV/AIDS, global warming and human rights. It’s on at 5. You can watch it on CNN.

By the way, ExxonMobil is sponsoring CNN’s coverage of both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions. They’re sponsoring CBS’s political news coverage as well. A startling bit of news, since it’s no secret that, while claiming to be politically neutral, ExxonMobil PAC gives 87% of its total political donations to Republicans (particularly those sluggish on alternative fuels), while only offering 13% to Democrats. Now how do you suppose that will affect coverage?

Now it appears that the Washington insider mag the National Journal has also dropped its drawers for Big Oil sponsorship, announcing on its website that its coverage of the 2008 conventions will be “presented by ExxonMobil.”

As former oil exec and current Commander in Chief George W. Bush announced during his 2006 State of the Union Address, “Here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world.”

Granted, that’s a bit like Britney Spears giving lessons on parenting, but Dubya was right; while Americans suffered through hurricanes Katrina and Rita and sky-high spikes in oil prices, ExxonMobil netted the then-largest profit in the history of corporate America with a record-breaking annual profit of $36.2 billion for 2005. Two years later, they upped the ante to $39.5 billion (2007).

ExxonMobil’s crocodile-tears defending argument for soaring prices and profits in a time of unprecedented economic turmoil is that almost three times their profit total was paid in direct taxes, royalties, fees and duties for all the go-juice. But wait, who actually foots that bill? No need to reach for that Google search bar- the answer is You. These government imposed taxes, royalties and fees at the pump are simply passed them on to your wallet. You pay local, state and federal taxes in the United States on every gallon of gasoline you buy.

Naturally, Big Oil has a lot on the line in the upcoming election. It’s old news that ExxonMobil has taken extensive measures to combat and contrast global warming findings. According to a 2005 report from the Union of Concerned Scientists, ExxonMobil has funneled nearly $16 million between 1998 and 2005 to a network of 43 advocacy organizations that seek to confuse the public on global warming science.

“ExxonMobil has manufactured uncertainty about the human causes of global warming just as tobacco companies denied their product caused lung cancer,” said Alden Meyer, the Union of Concerned Scientists’ Director of Strategy and Policy. “A modest but effective investment has allowed the oil giant to fuel doubt about global warming to delay government action just as Big Tobacco did for over 40 years.”

ExxonMobil-funded organizations are comprised of an overlapping collection of individuals serving as staff, board members and scientific advisors that publish and re-publish the works of a small group of climate change contrarians, including Sallie Baliunas, an astrophysicist who is affiliated with at least nine of the aforementioned groups.

Baliunas is best known for a 2003 paper alleging the climate had not changed significantly in the past millennia- a paper that was slammed by 13 scientists who stated she had extensively misrepresented their work in her paper. This renunciation didn’t stop ExxonMobil-funded groups from continuing to promote the paper, however.

But hey, that’s all some heavy shit. We’re just talking about the elections, right? Just ignore that black, oily sheen on your screen. It’s just the Big Oil bukkake on the face of America.

Careful where you get your information.