God Wants You To Stare At The Sun

At least 50 people were blinded last week after staring directly into the sun, hoping to see an image of the Virgin Mary.

While most of us show our devotion to ancient mythology by sacrificing virgins animals or by putting on our nice clothes and heading off to church / temple / synagogue every week, the impressive minds that fill India’s Kottayam district are apparently onto something new. Despite the warnings of neighbors whose gods apparently don’t require them to burn out their retinas in a show of faith, believers are reportedly still flocking to a hotelier’s house, where the divine image is said to have appeared.

But wait, isn’t the “divine image” actually on the sun? Why in hell would it matter where you’re standing? The sun looks the same no matter where you are- it’s the big fucking ball of fire in the sky that hurts your eyes to look at.

Alarmed health authorities and concerned townsfolk have set up a sign dispelling rumours of a miraculous image in the sky and warning of the dangers of looking into direct sunlight. Even churches in the area have done the smart thing and disowned the “miracle” after health officers and doctors approached the clergy. After all, it’s gotta be pretty tough to find the donation plate if you can’t see the damned thing.

Naturally, there’s a bit more to the story. The house where the miracle is said to have occurred has apparently been the subject of rumors for months. The hotel manager (who may or may not have been overheard telling his mischievous children to “forget about pissing in the holy water, let’s make these fools stare at the sun!”) has claimed that statues of the Virgin Mary in his house have been crying honey and bleeding oils and perfumes. Naturally, people so desperate for “salvation” that burning their own eyes out seems like a good idea aren’t going to stop and consider the absurdity of God delivering a message through bee piss.

While we’re on the issue, there’s an exciting new film headed our way from our friend Bill Maher, that explores exactly this type of ridiculous fanaticism. It’s called Religulous: 

Give ‘em hell, Bill.