By at 3:38 PM Monday, January 5th 2009

 

Ten Musicians We Can (Hopefully) Forget In 2009

Lists, STFU

 

A lot of crazy shit happened in music in 2008, I think we can all agree. Much of it was good- hell, it could even be called great, but there were some unforgivably bad stumbles along the way. As usual, utter bullshit music saturated the mainstream last year, with sonic nightmares like Britney Spears selling hand over fist thanks to unprecedented promotional campaigns and, it seems, a total abandonment of album purchases by people with taste and musical sensibility.

Meanwhile, a select few have managed yet again to fool people with the same song and dance, while barely selling enough to touch the charts, much less earn a respectable position. They’re bullshit hype riders, most of them suck badly, and they deserve to be called out. With any luck, our collective disdain can outshine the billboards, bus benches, tabloids and trendy haircuts, and we can forget these losers once and for all.

10. The Verve

the_verve

Most of us only know the Verve from Bitter Sweet Symphony, off 1997′s Urban Hymns. You remember it- the video was pretty much just a long shot of singer Richard Ashcroft walking down the street singing, looking like his face is melting (not a special effect- he just looks that way). They broke up all kinds of times over the usual drugs, ego and legal problems, and nobody really cared that much (hell, Ok Computer came out the same year, what did you expect?). The Verve got back together 10 years later to pluck our nostalgia strings, but the tune is an outdated and uninspired one. Nobody cares. Again.

9. Gym Class Heroes

Where can one find such delicious-looking gimp juice?

Seriously though, who thought emo-rap was a good idea? The built-in douche factor, the collabs with Fall Out Boy, the… Daryl Hall cameo? Everything about this group is wrong- all the way down to pierced & plugged frontman Travis McCoy’s sappy lyric quotes in his blog re: his breakup from Katy Perry, who clearly got bored of the manboy and moved onto something less… lame.

8. Ashlee Simpson

ashlee

Thanks to her pseudo-bisexual, overgrown attention-whore emo manboy husband, a nosejob and a retardedly-named son (Bronx Mowgli? Come the fuck on) she’s more famous than her “superstar” hick idiot sister, despite a highly-pimped album that barely cracked 100,000 in sales. Naturally, she’ll remain a part of the tabloid fabric for some time to come, until another useless, no-talent sister of a pop star prodigy gets her shit together enough to step up (where are you, Jamie Lynn?)

7. Plain White Ts

ugly-stick-attack-at-the-thrift-store

You likely remember that stupid Hey There Delilah song from about a year and a half ago, but chances are, you’re having a hard time remembering the band who played it. That’s because the album tanked, and they couldn’t follow up in ’08 with another Delilah. Just add these guys to the Ridiculous Band Names list- it’s just under the One-Hit Wonders.

6. Keane

hotgaydouche

One Coldplay is more than enough, thank you. Their synth-pop douche-fest, Perfect Symmetry, righteously fell off the US album charts after just six weeks, selling a paltry 74,000 copies- about a third of what their previous album moved. Unremarkable, utterly bland and entirely useless, it’s about time Keane moved on to other things.

5. Madonna

velociraptor

Let’s forget about the nasty recent pictures of her onstage, looking like a velociraptor dressed as a tranny circus ringleader with full-blown AIDS, and focus on her ridiculous Hard Candy record, which thanks to a 20 year trend gap in developing countries has sold nearly three million copies worldwide. It hasn’t fared well at all here in the States, because we see her for the ridiculous, washed up, menopausal megalomaniac hag that she is. Note to Miley- when you start looking like the Bride of Skeletor on steroids, it’s time to get off stage, eat a fuckin sandwich and go adopt some more African kids.

Since (and possibly before) Ray Of Light, her ambition and greed have far outreached her talent. The rest of the world can have her. Sure, it’s a stretch, but with any luck, we can forget about Madonna in 2009.

4. Jessica Simpson

jessica simpson stupid face

Wow, right? Both the Simpson sisters made the list. The shelf life of each has long since expired, but particularly for Jessica, who should’ve dropped permanently from view with the demise of her reality show, however the fuck long ago that was. But she stuck around, due in part to a maniacally opportunistic manager-father and her ability to actually hold a note (unlike a certain Ms. Spears, who despite having the voice of a 9 year-old girl trying to sound like an oversexed grownup, has pushed her pendulum back into gullible hearts once again- stay tuned for breakdown 9.0). But her ill-fated crossover into country music fared worse than the same career choice for Darius Rucker. Yeah, the lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish. How much worse? Less than half- she pushed 135,000 copies before it dropped into complete obscurity.

3. Panic! At The Disco

panicdiscoshit

Dropping the exclamation point, wiping off the makeup and getting rid of the geometric hairstyles appears too be too little, too late for the wave of reformed emo kids looking for something real to believe in. Their attempt at redefinition through pop psychedelics, Pretty. Odd. sold just over 300,000 units, which is about a fifth of what their last record did. And that one was pretty goddamned bad to begin with.

2. Buckcherry

buckcherry

I suffered through an interview with frontman Josh Todd to get in good with their publicist, which left me feeling like I’d been on the receiving end of an unrequested full-body massage by a greased up, horny La Pequeña.

Tattoos, strippers and brand-new STDs are the name of this game, but nobody seems to want to play anymore; Black Butterfly has moved just over 150,000 copies since its release, despite a huge marketing campaign all but hailing them as the next Mötley Crüe. Or wait, maybe that was Hinder. Who fucking cares- they both suck with soulless abandon.

Despite whatever Axl may try to tell you, just ’cause your songs are played in strip clubs doesn’t mean your album’s gonna sell. Maybe all those Crazy Bitches on Sunset aren’t so crazy after all. Count that as one for rock n’ roll integrity.

1. Hinder

hinder-sucks

Jesus, where to begin? With one god-awful power ballad these sleaze-rocking idiots somehow became entirely too famous, going double platinum with their shiteous, uninspired debut thanks to devil-deal promotion schemes and an undoubtable gift for industry blowjobs.

Thankfully, the purveyors of greasy trash are shifting their sights elsewhere these days, as their most recent offering barely cracked 200,000 in sales. That’s what happens when mediocrity is a fantasy and you’re struggling, like an obese paraplegic who’s fallen in a pool full of ugly strippers, just to stand out from the pack of useless derivatives that you come from.

And yes, that’s really the cover of their album. Sometimes a picture’s worth a thousand shitty songs.

Honorable Mention:
Amy “Will You Fucking Die Already?!” Winehouse

come-on-baby-i-swallow

I can’t decide whether it would be better to get a collection going to send her enough crack to finish the job, or actually put her in a cage, nurse her back to health and get some more of that amazing shit she spits when she’s got her head on straight. We’ve got some tough choices to make this year.

 
 

Meanwhile, On The Internet...

 
20 comments
  1. Rory says:

    Is it just me or do the pictures of the Plain White T’s, Gym Class Hero’s, Panic At The Disco and especially Hinder all look like the cover to gay porn movies.

    My hat goes off to the pictures you found of all these no-talent record label retard pets.

    Now lets forget about Coldplay, Rihanna, Maroon 5, Lil Wayne, Katy Perry, Nickleback, The All American Rejects, Pussycat Dolls, Pink, and Paramore…and we’ll be off to a good start.

  2. Is Paramore really that bad? I still can’t decide…

  3. Jeremy says:

    What kind of God-awful gay porn have you been watching?

  4. Skwerl says:

    the problem with paramore is that they’re good enough to validate a wave of bands that have absolutely no right to validation.

  5. ah fair enough, but is the music itself that bad?

  6. Ryan says:

    I succeeded in avoiding all these people until you just presented me with them now. They are all haunting me. Panic! At The Disco look like a bunch of women. Plain White Tees’ lead singer has a huge nose. Gym Class Heroes made a song about MySpace. Hinder are the biggest bunch of morons if they thought that album cover was cool. Concerning Paramore, I think they are one of the more honest bands today and actually have talent. They are just getting slightly screwed as the 360 Deal guinea pigs.

  7. Skwerl says:

    paramore’s music isn’t that bad… i want to hate them but they’re fun and seemingly sincere.
    the thing about hinder’s album cover is that they promised some x-rated cover. whoa, dangerous! snooze. but then the album came out without it, and their explanation was like ‘yeah, we wanted to do it, but we weren’t allowed. oh well.’ they’re trying to be the bad boys of rock, but they’re just so fucking beyond pathetically bad at that job. there hasn’t been another mötley crüe since oasis, and there never will be at this rate.

  8. tng says:

    I find this list charming even though I favored “Forth”. Call it nostalgia or naivete. Whatever.

    Ms. Winehouse… my heart bleeds for the music that could be because I hate to see perfectly good talent go to crackwhore waste while things like Darling Stilettos become more valid in the eyes music. Life is hard.

  9. Jordan says:

    I have a strange addiction to paramore, I can’t figure out why, but I’ll keep listening until I do. Hinder is so incredibly bad every time I hear one of their “ballads” play in the bowling alley, it makes me puke in my mouth, and then when I just clean up the corners of my lip, I seem some tartly dressed tween belting out the lyrics as she throws the ball in the gutter with brute force then giggles… which induces even more vomit, and now it’s on my newly bought reindeer sweater… and then if the pain isn’t over a new (or old I can’t tell the difference) gym class heroes song comes on and my ears start to bleed worse than christ on the cross. Oh and fuck Madonna as well, ostrich armed bitch, ruining my Yankees.

  10. aaron m. says:

    in defense of hinder, i don’t really think they had much say in how douchebaggy they were told to look or sound. they are pretty much the result of someone sucking off the multi-headed demon cock of the music industry who saw just how many units nickelback was pushing.

  11. Spinett says:

    Even if Paramore wasn’t [i]that[/i] bad, wouldn’t it be a waste of time listening to them, when they’re not good either?

  12. So, in your defense of Hinder, they’re hopeless label pawns with such little integrity/dignity that they’ll dress up as assholes and say all the typical asshole shit (ahh, asshole shit…the best kind) that the label wants them to say, to come off as just a slightly less venerial Buckcherry and move some units?

    That’s actually, like, twice as bad as actually BEING the assholes that they seem.

  13. snooks says:

    snooks shit in my mouth this morning

  14. rave says:

    I have to disagree with Gym Class Heroes and Keane. Their music is not my type or the best, but they are very nice people I’ve met. :)

  15. That’s cool rave – I’m sure the drummer from Buckcherry’s got a heart of gold, too ;)

  16. aaron m. says:

    exactly johnny.

    oh god. i hope you don’t think i actually like those assholes now…

  17. kalhan says:

    okay… seriously… some dude walked upto the hinder guy with that *points* album cover draft in hand and the guys went, “that’s it!!!”?????

    man, i’d pay one hinder-cd worth just to find out what his IQ is…

  18. Spinett says:

    That Hinder cover kinda reminds me of Icy Hot Stuntaz:
    http://www.geocities.com/icyhotstuntazz/

  19. thejackyl says:

    Good list, but you forgot about The Killers.

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