Friday, December 19th 2008

Lists, STFU:  Miscellaneous

The Year In Shitty Best-Of Lists

By Skwerl

As 2008 draws to a close, every magazine and blog covering the music industry is publishing their ‘best of’ lists, and… well… most of them are fucking retarded. We’ll start a series of retro reviews on the 26th, covering the five best albums this year brought, in our humble opinions. In the meantime, we’ve got to weigh in on some of the stupidest calls.

OK, technically this wasn’t a ‘best of ’08′ list, but Rolling Stone published a list of ‘the 100 greatest singers of all time’ as voted on by a “blue-ribbon panel of 179″ musicians. Missing from the list: Mike Patton, Ann Wilson, Layne Staley. Total bullshit, and Phil Anselmo agrees with us. Now, if the list was otherwise filled with vocalists superior to these icons, we could understand. But many vocalists of far inferior capabilities made it on; including Iggy Pop, Lou Reed, and Bruce Springsteen. Christina Aguilera made #58- way ahead of Mariah Carey.

Rolling Stone also published their list of the best singles of 2008- 100 of them- and named Beyoncé’s Single Ladies #1. The song’s only been out for two months, and it sucks. I’m not just saying that because it’s a pop song. Let’s face it- in America, two singles dominated 2008 above any others- Katy Perry’s I Kissed A Girl, and Britney Spears’ Womanizer. If you ask us, Womanizer is far less annoying- and a far superior composition. And the sooner Katy Perry’s inevitable disappearance from the charts comes, the better. But either would have been acceptable at the top of a 2008 singles list. And with Beyoncé at the top instead, Rolling Stone can’t defend on grounds that the list was based on quality rather than dominance or popularity.

Some of the songs that made the list: Google Me by Teyana Taylor (I did, you suck), Candy Shop by Madonna (but Four Minutes didn’t make it?) M.I.A.’s Shells (but not Paper Planes), Cobrastyle by Robyn (huh?), Video Girl by the Jonas Brothers (but not Burnin’ Up or Love Bug), Warwick Avenue by Duffy (but not her only almost non-shitty song, Mercy), a ton of songs noone’s ever heard of, and a few songs that might be almost arguable. What the fuck are they smoking at Rolling Stone?

By the way, Womanizer didn’t make the list at all. I don’t care what you think about Britney, If you’re going to put together a list of the biggest or best 100 singles of 2008 and skip Womanizer, you’re either high, or you’re a hipster with your head up your own ass. Rolling Stone put Britney on two magazine covers this year, so I can’t imagine they’re taking a stand against the mainstream.

Speaking of Hipsters, Pitchfork called Fleet Foxes’ Sun Giant the best album of 2008. Issue #1- it’s not even an album. It’s a five song EP. But OK, I get it. Hipsters will be hipsters and call some faggy folk band’s four track demos the best of the year while simultaneously recognizing Lil’ Wayne’s Tha Carter III as #11 (because the top #10 needs to be irony-free of course). Their list was so predictable, NME punked it.

On the other side of that fence, Entertainment Weekly agreed with Rolling Stone that TV On The Radio’s Dear Science was the best album of the year. I’d say it’s overrated, but this late yelp of hype isn’t really being echoed by any masses. By the way, Beyoncé’s Sasha Fierce was EW’s #2. Yeah.

Portishead’s disappointing Third made several best-of lists, for the sole reason that they’re Portishead. Meanwhile, anyone that gave a nod to Vampire Weekend is just believing the hype, because that’s all there is to that band.

As I said, we’re going to start making our calls for the best albums of the year beginning the day after Christmas. But I guarantee you that TV On The Radio, Vampire Weekend, and fucking Beyoncé will be nowhere near our list. Stay tuned.