Stay The Hell Away From The Congo

No matter what the song may say, it’s not a small world after all – there are plenty of places to travel in the world, so do yourself a favor and make your next vacation destination as far away from the fucking Congo as you can. As a matter of fact, pull out your map and just draw a big “X” on all of West Africa. 
 
Why? 
 
Well, for starters, police in Congo have recently arrested 13 “sorcerers” accused of shrinking and/or stealing men’s penises. That’s right, fucking sorcerers. That’s cool as hell in a Dwight Schrute kind of way, but in real life I want nothing to do with any goddamn sorcerer, much less one that’s trying to steal my dick.
 
Rumors of the cockjacking started swirling last week in the Congo’s capital, Kinshasa. Victims claim that the sorcerers merely touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear. Despite accusations of the whole thing being a hoax, many of Kinshasa’s 8 million residents are worried about their babymakers. 
 
“It’s real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny,” said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station. Some residents believe a separatist sect from the nearby Bas-Congo province is behind the witchcraft, in an effort to exact revenge for recent government oppression.
 
Once word began spreading, police quickly arrested both the accused sorcerers and their victims, largely in an effort to avoid the kind of massacre that occurred in Ghana in the late nineties, when twelve accused penis snatchers were beaten to death by mobs of angry cock blockers. 
 
Visitors to the area are advised to avoid sharing taxis with passengers wearing gold rings. Or, you know, you could just stay the hell out of West Africa entirely, at least until they get their sorcerer problem under control.