We’re still four months away, but Christmas just got a whole lot shittier for kids.

Picture this: you’re a regular kid in suburbia, one among millions. Your parents are really hoping to steer you away from evil stuff like drugs, sexual exploration or untamed music. Being the guns-and-God-clinging middle Americans that they are, your folks regularly encourage you to get on the path to salvation.

You didn’t rebel. You like the idea of a dude on a cloud rewarding your decision not to act on your homicidal impulses in life by letting you through a gate into an eternal utopia with 72 virgins or whatever. You went to their Sunday school classes and youth group meetings, where you gave it up to God and collectively prayed that the Almighty will shine down his glory and save all the aborted fetuses (since, y’know, prayer’s had such an impact on the suffering, starvation, cancer, rape and horror all around us).

In other words, you’re a pretty good kid. And like most other kids, you’re in love with two things: music and video games. But Mom and Dad have taken notice of your passion, and they’re concerned that you’re not listening to the kind of music that will guide you on the path to His light. They’re threatened, worried that their mythological justification for hatred, judgement and segregation faith might not be as enticing to a pubescent kid as… oh, say Slayer.

They’ve heard about this Guitar Hero action. They don’t trust it, and rightfully so; the game glorifies rebellion, with spiked and leathered cartoon characters writhing and grinding onstage. What’s worse is the overall Satanic nature to it. The final set of songs in GH3 takes place in hell, where a monstrous, goat-like Satan sits on his throne while scantly-clad devil-girls dance by your side and imps fly overhead.

But they know how much you want the game. They know you’re the only one in your group of friends that can’t shred on expert (cause you don’t own the damn thing), and you won’t shut up about it. Instead of the PS3 or Wii you wanted last Christmas, your parents bought a remanufactured Sega master system off Ebay. Same thing, right? Wrong. You’re busy playing the original fucking Shinobi while your friends are shredding away.

Christmas morning arrives. You stumble excitedly down the stairs in your jammies, and your leaping heart cracks three of your ribs, puncturing your lungs as you see that long, rectangular package under the tree. You ignore the blinding pain and lunge for the box, figuring you can get in a few songs before drowning in your own blood. But as you tear open the wrapping paper, the realization that you’ve been swindled in God’s name sets in. This looks like Guitar Hero, but it’s not Guitar Hero. It’s Guitar Praise. Your final gurgling moments are spent clawing at your mother’s face, spewing a sputtering mess of blood and words that sounds like “blurrrgh… cheap… gurruuurgmother… fuuurrglefucker!” You fall. You will never get to play the one thing that may have saved your rotten, sinning soul:

The Digital Praise website claims, “Guitar Praise can be an exciting group event. Having the lyrics onscreen reinforces the positive messages present in Guitar Praise’s roster of songs, and allows everyone to take part in the game.” It goes on to add: “You’ll soon be rockin’ with the best while praising the Lord!”

That’s right, the lyrics scroll down the screen, allowing you to pray along as you rock out for the Lord.

I’m not going to bother you with a tracklist, because you wouldn’t recognize a goddamned name on there. But here’s a sample of what’s in store, a beautiful mix of Creed and Nickelback:

What’s interesting is that, while the standard Christian retail model is to simply make a “Christian version” of whatever’s hot on the market, there was evidently some red tape in getting clearance from the major game consoles, so the game will only be available for Macs and PCs. So all you little disciples still aren’t getting that PS3. Shafted again.

And to hell with buying the kid an actual instrument- that’s a path right into the holy trinity of evil. Guitar Faith is the perfect way to incorporate biblical values while ensuring that your child will sink even further into the social quicksand, developing beating-worthy taste in music along the way. Or maybe God just wants a piece of that $1 billion that the Guitar Hero franchise has earned since 2005.

Either way, forget about Wii Sports and all that “family-friendly” Satanism. Guitar Praise is a fun way for the whole family to stay out of Hell!

Ah, sweet, sweet fear- empowering dogmatic lunatics since the invention of God.

Praise be to Him (as long as Him gets better taste in music). If this game is gonna catch on and really save some souls, it’s gonna need to be a little more accessible. Here’s our recommendation for Guitar Praise II:

I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus / I wanna feel his salvation all over my face…

Hell, if something’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 31st, 2008 at 3:52 PM and is filed under Editorials. You can follow any comments to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can comment, or trackback from your own site. Tags: Guitar Hero, Religion