So I’m browsing around on a certain online music storefront that is going to get a new asshole on here one of these days, and this photo slides into view:
You know how sometimes you can take one look at a band of douchebags and know beyond a shadow of any doubt that their music blows? Well, not like I needed any additional written confirmation in this case, but I sure as shit got it. The caption read:
Hinder wipe the tears from their eyes and turn it up to 11 on new single “Use Me,” a racy, raucous rocker that doesn’t hold back.
Jesus motherfucking Mary and Joseph. When these guys hit the scene, they were hailed by industry insiders as “the next Mötley Crüe.” Which is fucking ridiculous because Mötley Crüe can’t even manage to be “the next Mötley Crüe” these days. But anyway, how the fuck am I supposed to buy into these dipshits’ edgy bad boys of rock and roll image when their own promotional material is admitting that a second ago they were crying over some ugly rock sluts that broke their hearts like a bunch of emo pussies, while some band with bigger balls were drunk-fucking said sluts from behind and forgetting their names?
And the best thing you can say about a track besides a painfully obvious played-out Spinal Tap reference, is it “doesn’t hold back?” Could you be any more cliché? Furthermore, alliteration in marketing copy is sooo fucking 1950. Racy raucous rockers! Don’t wait, get yours now!! Sunday sunday sunday!!! It’s bullshit like this that makes it no fucking wonder that noone is buying into brainless record label hype anymore, besides the dumbest of hillbillies tucked away listening to top 40 FM radio in cultural sarlacc pits like Florida.
These bands are a dime a dozen. They’ve got nothing to say, and they’re not bringing anything new to the table. They’re uninspired, and uninspiring. Oh sure, they put the effort in. Yeah, they work hard for our attention. And I know they all do, because I read it in all the bios they send out when they’re trying to get a record deal. They read like resumés. More than anything else, they speak about the band’s willingness to sell out and play the game, in the hopes that some major record label will see them as a safe investment and hand them a record deal, to make it easy for them to focus on what they really want to do: get wasted and cheat on their girlfriends for a living. There’s nothing convincing me they’re real artists, they’re just asking to be pointed towards whatever dicks they have to suck to “make it.”
And once they’re there, they’re too chickenshit to get off their knees.
We’ll pass, thanks.
About Skwerl
Kevin "Skwerl" Cogill was taught his first computer programming language by his Mother's marijuana dealer at age ten. His first job involved hustling TicketMaster lines on behalf of a New Jersey concert ticket broker at age fourteen, followed by a job in graphic design shortly after graduating high school and trade school simultaneously in 1998. He built his first website in 1996 or so, and continues to do things the way they should be done, rather than the way everyone else does. He's a bit of an asshole, but he's fiercely loyal to his friends, and to fellow fans of good music.Born and raised in Philadelphia, Skwerl now resides in Los Angeles.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:44 AM
[...] couldn’t have said this any better myself. Well played Antiquiet, well [...]
August 7th, 2008 at 12:32 PM
Whoever they are, I’m sure they have about as much integrity as Nas.
August 8th, 2008 at 7:20 AM
Honestly, how can a band look at this picture of themselves and say, “BRILLIANT!”? I’m sure there was a time when this picture was “BRILLIANT!”, but I’m pretty sure that time is long gone. Let’s not even get into the music.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:44 PM
Glad to see that the Village People reunited.
August 8th, 2008 at 1:45 PM
There should be a caption for that photo that reads “Give me a dollar so my band and I don’t have to keep blowing sailors for spare change and saltine crackers.”
August 8th, 2008 at 6:25 PM
I subscribe to Rhapsody, so I couldn’t resist playing their new single. Allow me to break it down mathmatically:
(Buckcherry + Poison)/Nickelback
ROFL, IT’S SO CHEESY THAT I ALMOST LIKE IT.
August 8th, 2008 at 10:05 PM
Didn’t these guys see the Faith + 1 episode of South Park. When the fuck will these dipshits and record execs realize that these cheesy bands photo’s make the band look like a bunch of tool’s.
Oh wait…they do understand that?…because that’s what 12 year old girls think is badass. Ahh alright now it’s coming together.
This band is so irrelivent to anybody who actually cares about what they are listening to, that posting shit about how much they suck on this site, just reminds the half decent people that do view this site that these shitheads exist.
P.S. Where the fuck did you find that review. I didn’t know that people that pathetically unintelligent could get paid to write. Did Madonna write this review?
August 14th, 2008 at 9:34 AM
Hello Skwerl.
I’m Ende from TTS. Hope your morning poop is still great.
August 14th, 2008 at 10:14 AM
all my poop are excellent.
August 15th, 2008 at 4:43 AM
Good to hear. Poop on!
August 19th, 2008 at 10:59 AM
Aw shit, don’t let Dana see this!
August 19th, 2008 at 11:16 AM
yeah i’ve already been warned not to go after rev theory lulz.
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:41 AM
When I read this blog, the only thing you convinced me of is that I never want to meet you. I hope no one else like you exists.
November 2nd, 2008 at 11:58 AM
oh, like i want to meet a fuckin’ hinder fan. don’t worry honey.
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 PM
While we’re on topic, I will be doing meet n’ greets and Hinder album signings next to the tomato stand on the south coast of Zapallar, Chile on Christmas Eve. 10am. I hope you all can make it.