I feel a hell of a lot worse about the collective rationale of our species. A time capsule DVD compiled by the California-based Planetary Society was attached to NASA’s Phoenix probe as part of its mission to explore the red planet’s arctic for signs of life and water. With a destination 70 million miles away, the DVD is the single most exclusive disc in the history of mankind. Eat your heart out, Axl.

The time capsule, made up of special silica glass designed to last thousands of years, contains greetings and classic writings from science fiction gurus, including 2001 author Arthur C Clarke and Ray Bradbury, author of the Martian Chronicles. Alongside the messages is a poster from the 1936 film Mars Attacks The World and Orson Welles’ 1938 radio broadcast of War Of The Worlds. Naturally, there’s a cameo appearance by Patrick Stewart boldly going as Star Trek’s Captain Picard.

The idea is to give future Martians a snapshot of how they’re viewed on Earth, because it would only make sense that aliens traveling millions of light years across the universe would make a pit-stop in an arctic crater on a dead planet with a sulfuric atmosphere to check out the DVD selection. Naturally, nobody thought to include a region-free DVD player with the probe, but I’m willing to bet that that won’t make much of a difference. 

With a playlist like that, it’s simply a crime that the PS didn’t include Total Recall, the single greatest film ever made. Don’t think so? Well riddle me this: Where else can you get interplanetary love stories, alien technologies, brutally violent action scenes, mutant women with three tits, and of course, a pre-gubernatorial Arnold tearing shit up and singlehandedly turning Mars into a blue-sky paradise? That’s right, nowhere. It would be the perfect addition.

What’s worse is that the Planetary Society had plenty of time to come to their senses. A CD-ROM entitled “Visions Of Mars” was sent up more than a decade ago on Russia’s Mars ‘96 probe. That spacecraft, however, never got out of Earth orbit due to Ruskie idiocy the failure of a booster stage. As a result, the first Martian library went down in flames and the Planetary Society had to start from scratch.

Planners also apparently failed to consider the idea that, logistical impossibilities of the disc even being discovered and decoded aside, Martians would see the wretched sci-fi caricatures of themselves made by primitive, gluttonous humanoids and take it as a warning that we’re hostile and delusional enough to pick a fight with extra-terrestrial beings advanced enough to hop around the universe. Which we absolutely are, and absolutely would. Don’t agree? Let’s not forget that the most powerful man in the world claims that Jesus Christ personally visited him and instructed him to lead the world to the promised land. And last I checked, there’s no aliens in the Bible.

So let’s recap. We’ve made a DVD full of sci-fi nonsense for aliens to find if they happen to stop by the Martian arctic. We’re leaving it outside, sitting on the ledge of a mechanical probe like a pie on a windowsill. We’re hoping somebody will come along someday and decode it, and hopefully have a sense of humor about what they find. 

Kinda gives one the feeling that we’ve got exactly the leaders and celebrities we deserve.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 28th, 2008 at 9:58 AM and is filed under Editorials. You can follow any comments to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can comment, or trackback from your own site. Tags: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mars, Total Recall